Offshore Sailing Association
Letter to Men's Helpline:
Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some
time now that the missus has been cheating.
Anyway last night about
midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out
of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on...
LAUNCH - So this guy just bought a new boat and decided to take her for its
maiden voyage. This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of
the exact operating procedure for launching it, but he
figured it couldn't be too hard.
He consulted his boat dealer for advice, but they just said, "don't let the trailer get too deep when you launch the boat".
Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get the trailer in the water at all! Anyhow, here's a picture below. You're going to love this guy!
Folks, you just can't make this stuff up!
HURRICANE SEASON - It's best to maintain a sense of humour about these things. Especially if you are a boat owner. I doubt we're in Kansas any more Toto!
To: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or those who know a Floridian. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food
and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
+1 780-669-7403 (Edmonton local toll free)
+1 345-916-8926 (cell)
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
T'was the night before Christmas, I swung on the hook With snowflakes a'landing, asleep with my book When up on the deck I heard footsteps and stuff "I've been boarded!" I thought, and I tried to be tough.
Then down the companionway hatch came a dude He was dressed like a nut and I thought, "I'm so screwed" But he laughed and he hummed as he surveyed my junk So I figured he must be the resident drunk
His eyes were lit up like a junkie on speed But he gave me a whole bunch of stuff that I need Like rum and cigars and new charts and a dinghy And some kind of fancy electrical thingy
I knew it was stolen but I wasn't telling I just hoped he was giving and wasn't just selling And I poured him a grog which he downed with a wink Then I poured one for me (Lord I needed a drink!)
Then he staggered above to the dark snowy night As I peeked I beheld an incredible sight Eight tiny dolphins and a beautiful sleigh And the dude hopped aboard and prepared to make way
The dolphins were ready to power the sled But the guy raised a genny and mains'l instead With a burp and a chuckle he gathered the breeze And called to the dolphins, now swimming with ease
"Hey Stalker and FEMA and Cancer and Nixon! Or Stinky and Pepper Spray, Mason and Dixon! Or whatever your names are, you cute little fishes, Here's to every last sailor, my best Christmas wishes!"
As he sailed away leaving a wobbly wake I hoped he had not many stops left to make He got close to shore and he soon was aground But the dolphins proceeded to pull him around And I heard him exclaim as he sailed out of sight "Killer whales!! ...I'm just kidding, don't be so uptight!"
Last Saskatchewan Pirate.
Well I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
Then I thought, who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone,
'Cause it's a heave-ho, high-ho, coming down the Plains
You'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
A bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
'Cause it's a heave-ho, high-ho, coming down the Plains
Well, Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
A swinging sword, a skull-and-bones, and pleasant company,
'Cause it's a heave-ho, high-ho, coming down the Plains
Arrr ya salty dog.. arrr ya salty gopher.. arrr ya salty bale
Well, winter is a-coming and a chill is in the breeze
'Cause it's a heave-ho, high-ho, coming down the Plains
'Cause it's a heave-ho, high-ho, coming down the Plains
We've got it all wrong! Here is the real meaning of all that sailing
|Sometimes it pays to take a basic navigation course. See right of way below. At least they didn't need their life jackets. TOP|
Supposed radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
|Naming a Boat
comes a time in every sailor's life when they should take a risk.
This one is just a plain ole death wish. TOP
The admiral exercised daily by walking his dog on the deck of the battleship. If a sailor had a gripe, the admiral would listen to him and offer a solution. This made the admiral one of the best liked officers in the navy. One day the men heard that the admiral was transferred to a desk job in Washington. The crew was so busy mourning their loss that nobody was on lookout, navigating, or on the helm; so they ran the battleship on a sandbar.
Yes, they grounded the warship that the admiral walked on! TOP
|Passengers Tip Boat Trying to See Nudists
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) - Some sixty "Splash Day'' revelers tipped their double-decker barge over when they crowded to one side of the vessel hoping to see nude sunbathers. They were rescued Sunday from Lake Travis, including two with minor injuries, authorities said.
The accident happened during Splash Day, a semi-annual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.
Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side after it was tied up at Hippie Hollow, the only public nude beach in Texas, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt.
Krista Umscheid, a spokeswoman for the Lower Colorado River Authority, said everyone aboard was safe.
Although a fathom is now a nautical unit of length equal to six feet, it was once defined by an act of Parliament as "the length of a man's arms around the object of his affections." The word derives from the Old English Faethm, which means "embracing arms." TOP
asked in an elementary class who Drake was, the following answer was
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men! TOP
Europeans have always had an edge on the North Americans when comes to
getting the most horse power out of a small block engine. They can tweek a
four "banger" to run so smooth it can easily compete on any
track on this side of the Atlantic. When it comes to weekend fun, they
simply hitch up the ole boat and drag it along. No point in owning
an SUV. After all, balancing a boat on a tandem axle isn't that difficult
either! BPS. TOP
In general, Canadian cats are pretty tough about defending
their master's boat stored in the back yard. For example, only in Canada can Fluffy
be expected to keep the local
critters at bay. Too bad it was only
a little moose though. She could have shown a polar bear a thing or
|2003/12/16 - Yesterday, there was a little supplement with the Edmonton Journal as it has now been 10 years since the liquor stores were privatized in Alberta. In that paper, there were a couple of
interesting things I thought I would pass on.
Jim Spalding TOP
for BEGINNERS - Take
note all you instructors on the lake.
Randy Stiles TOP
TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY? - Last September 17 was not an ideal night for Wednesday night sailing as the temperature hovered around 00C. However, I have not missed a Wednesday “boys night out” this year or what we used to call “chicken and beer” and I did not want to miss this one. My regular crew bowed out. Dave Jorgensen said something about having new trees planted in his yard and Bob Iveson just decided he would rather stay in his house, where it was warm. Fortunately, our AOSA commodore, Bob Schimmel, was game. In fact, I had to drop the Panzer off for an insurance inspection, so Bob even came into Edmonton from Spruce Grove to pick me up.
We certainly had the lake all to ourselves. We didn't sail, so instead we motored past Seba and over to Fallis experimenting with the Auto-Helm along the way. In fact, while we were in Fallis Bay we did an accidental ceremonial grounding to celebrate the, as I recall, fifth anniversary of the infamous grounding of Shardick. As we were leaving the shallow bay, we heard what sounded like an alarm. We checked every where; it wasn't the depth sounder, or one of the audible alarms from the Yanmar and it wasn't coming from the autopilot either. We were dumbfounded. Finally, Bob realized that his cell phone was ringing inside his heavy jacket, voice mail. The home front admiral was calling to find out when the captain would be home for dinner!
GRAHAM - Captain
with freshly brewed coffee in hand talking to 1st mate on the bridge,
"Is that new crew still out there
riding his bicycle on the deck?" TOP
ON THE CHESAPEAKE - As seen from the deck of Breakaway
on the Chesapeake this summer. If you really want to sail fast you have lighten the boat!!
Nice Kirby 25 huh? Duncan Cook. TOP
IN SWEDEN - In Sweden it is a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off
somewhere for his stag night. These usually last all day and all night rather than the typical
north American pre-arranged drunken evening where you hire a
stripper etc. The Swedes do it different! The groom has no idea until he gets "kidnapped". He might be dressed in something crazy......sent off to do
something bizarre.....you get the idea. This particular guy is an avid sailor and when he was taken away for his stag, his buddies pasted a fake
"skippers beard" on him, put him at the helm of a 60 ft. yacht and let him
be skipper for the day. Much beer and lots of great food was consumed, but
nothing too strange happened to him. In the evening when they got back to
port, they started getting cleaned up to go out to the night club. As is customary, they all had a sauna together. Imagine the grooms horror when he
walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were, only to find the best man had no hair on his genitals, neither did friend
two....nor friend three....nor friend four!!! Where do you think the hair for the fake beard came
|Anyone interested in a quick trip to Vancouver to shop for boat equipment?
Hugh King TOP
|Everyone should have one of these.
|Shipping Manure. Some exciting Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once sea water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas!
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone went below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which came down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word and neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term!
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Puget Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for.. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "And I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy." The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), he's 'taking advantage of me', so to speak." (wink, wink).
"He sure as hell IS, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Seattle-Bremerton Ferry!"
| Roast Chicken Recipe - When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not
dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook. Hans Felch TOP
link shows an amazing sequence of pictures.
Here is the story: "It was either late 1978 or early 1979, I have forgotten exactly, but anyway, close enough. The river is the Tombigbee River and this happened to be the record high water ever for that area. The towboat you see coming down on the bridge is the Motor Vessel Cahaba owned by Warrior Gulf Navigation out of Mobile, Alabama. Warrior Gulf is a subsidiary of Pittsburgh Steel. I know you're familiar with Birmingham's coal mines and steel mills, and this company would haul iron pellets up to Birmingport and off-load them to make steel plate. On the return trip the barges were filled with coal for export at the McDuffie Coal Terminal at the mouth of the Mobile River at the head of Mobile Bay. The Bridge was the Old Rooster Bridge (since demolished and removed - I also saw the explosion to tear it down) located below Demopolis, Alabama. The highway dead ends at the bluff, and you can still drive to this site and imagine how high the river was to reach up to the bottom of the bridge.
The pass or Channel Span of the bridge was located on the far West side of the river, or on the opposite bank from the photographer's standpoint. In normal river flow, we would drop down near the rock bluff and steer through the opening to pass southward with our tows of coal barges. Normal loads were six barges, each measuring 195' X 35' and loaded to a 10' draft. This allowed each barge to carry approximately 2,000 tons of coal (six barges = 12,000 tons X 2000 pounds = 24 million pounds of cargo.) The boat is the Motor Vessel Cahaba named after one of the eight "friendly" Indian tribes. It is built in Pine Bluff, Arkansas and is equipped with 1800 horsepower twin engine diesel engines. At the "sticks" or helm is Captain Jimmie Wilkerson, a long time river pilot and was my personal friend - since deceased. The river current was so very treacherous that we were forced to drop down to the bridge in the slack(er) water on the left descending bank and when we got down to the bridge, we uncoupled the boat from the barges and let the barges drift down under the bridge. The bottom of the bridge would "shave" the coal stacked in the barges off to a level surface. The next step was to back the vessel upriver and then go over to the far West side and traverse the bridge's channel span with the boat and run down river to catch the barges. It was just too dangerous to try bringing the barges through the bridge span in the current.
Anyway, Jimmie dropped down properly and with the entire rest of the crew standing on the barges for safety, he began to reverse his engines to back away. His stern would have to be kept directly pointed into the current or the boat would travel sideways like a kite without it's tail. Captain Jim was a fine pilot, but he made a small mistake and his stern was caught in the current, twisted sideways and the river smashed him into the bridge sideways. Notice that the boat re-surfaced right side up on the downstream side. What luck you say? Nope, WGN ballasted all their vessels with three to four feet of cement in the bottom. The boat was like a little yellow rubber duckie, and came back up like a duckie oughta do. The boat suffered major cosmetic damages, but little flooding because of water tight doors, except in the pilothouse. Notice the picture where the boat is not quite righted and you can see water pouring out of the wheelhouse door. The chair washes out, and Jimmie told me he was holding on to the controls with all his might to keep from going out the drain and into the river. He was very shook up and you can see him approach the tow of barges downriver. Well he didn't get it together quite soon enough and he smashed into the barges, causing further damage.
I next saw Jimmie about a month after this and we had a cup of coffee together and talked about the incident. He was smoking a Camel non-filter but didn't even need an ashtray because his hands were still shaking too much for the ash to build up to any degree. How do I know all this? I was on the boat that went through the bridge immediately before the Cahaba. The Motor Vessel James E. Philpott made the bridge and was headed south at close to 15 MPH. For all you who don't understand, that is very fast on a commercial towboat with that much tonnage."
Captain Michael L. Smith TOP
fellow obviously didn't pass his exam for the CCG pleasure craft operator's card.
|The Young Thief - A daring thief who stuffed a pair of lobsters in his pants
learned that learned that crime doesn't pay when the frisky creatures gave
him a vasectomy.
Police say that the 24 year old shoplifter was leaving a Bristol, England supermarket when he removed the lobsters from their tank and showed them in his trousers. The man sprinted past stunned check out girls, but came to a screeching halt when he felt the lobsters clutching on his manhood.
The thorny creatures were finally removed when emergency medics pried them loose with pliers. Doctors say the thief will fully recover from his frightening tangle with the lobsters, but he will never be a daddy. "Basically it was a do it your self vasectomy," said the doctor. The "patient's sexual abilities will be restored in time, but he will not be able to father children."
The thief's painful prank landed him in the hospital where he is expected to remain for three weeks or four weeks. But thanks to a kind hearted supermarket manager he will not be charged with any crime. "The guy's gone through enough pain," said the manager. "I think he has learned his lesson. I doubt he will ever steal again." TOP
Another sailor strikes to the open seas!
A HISTORY OF BALLS...Did you know that in the mighty British Navy at the time of Empire building, every sailing ship had cannon (the plural of cannon) for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. A ship's master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be available for instant use when needed, but in a manner that would not let them roll around the gun deck. The solution devised was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had three, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate referred to as a "brass monkey," with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer.
Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust on the brass monkey, but would rust on an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer of cannonballs would pop out of the indentations, spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." And so, another familiar phrase became part of the language. Now, aren't you glad you took the time to read this historical piece?And you thought this was going to be a "dirty" story.... shame on you. TOP
|BULLETIN - We all know that proper communications at sea is
akin to efficient movement and quick action during a crisis. Well there's
been lots of confusion and crisis this summer to which a kind individual
sent us this update of nautical terminology
to prevent such maladies next summer! Redwane Cherkaoui.
This doesn't require an explanation does it?
change the name of your boat - We
usually provide details on this to our customers when they purchase a name
from us but since you made the request, here you go...
To change the name of your boat without fear of reprisal, first you must obliterate the old name everywhere you find it. For example, run a piece of sandpaper once across any surface where it is festooned, including the transom, bow, superstructure, tender, ship's log (log's are often retained by new owners for their maintenance schedules), life ring, life raft, salt and pepper shakers, and so on. You can also draw a single line through the name everywhere it appears with a marker. Now write the soon-to-be-exorcized name on a piece of paper, fold the paper, and place it in a small cardboard or wooden box. Burn the box. Scoop up the ashes and throw them into the sea on an outgoing tide.
If you live on a lake, do it at night and only during a new moon. River dwellers should send the ashes downstream. You many now change the name everywhere on your vessel without fear of irking any mischievous water sprite. But of course the monogrammed towels will have to go.
Two Sea Monsters - Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.
Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." TOP
|FOLDING THE FLAG - The daily
routine aboard the USS Trenton off the Somali coast transporting Marines
and their cargo to and from shore, was disrupted by a visit from an
admiral. Sam Rickabaugh was in charge of the 30-by-50-foot American flag.
After the admiral gave his speech and left, the flag was to be lowered. Sam had folded the national flag many times, but never one of this immense size. Fortunately, a group of Marines nearby was quick to help. One of them, Smith, immediately took charge, showing great pride with every meticulous fold.
"Where did you master the art of folding a flag this size?" Sam asked, "are you on a special flag detail?"
"Actually," said Smith, "I learned this while working at
OF FISHERIES AND OCEANS
TO: COMMODORE B. SCHIMMEL
RE: STATUS REPORT OF OUR INNOVATIVE SPORT FISH BREEDING PROGRAMME
Thank you for your inquiry into the progress of our latest experiment in genetic engineering of a superior sport fish. As requested by your club, we have developed a fish that has the most desirable attributes for the Canadian Sport Fishing Enthusiast.
First, the fish must have a light, pink-coloured flesh that would tantalize the taste buds of the most critical gourmet. The Coho was chosen for its texture, flavour, and presentation appeal.
Second, the fish should be a vigorous fighter to thrill young and old alike. This characteristic is best exemplified in the Walleye.
We crossed the Coho with the Walleye and succeeded in attaining our goal of producing a fish that is both a very vigorous fighter and a delight to the most discriminating palate. We named this new species the Cowall.
Thrilled with this initial success, we then proceeded to enhance the Cowall by improving its stamina and weight of up to 60 pounds to challenge the mettle of both the angler and his or her choice of tackle. The mighty Muskellunge (Muskie) was the obvious choice to meet this requirement.
We crossed the Cowall with the Muskie and were rewarded with a fish that has all the desirable characteristics of the ideal Canadian Sport Fish. It is a vigorous fighter. It has unbelievable stamina for sustained battle. And it is tasty beyond belief. We named it the Cowalski.
However, there is an unexpected delay in releasing this new species. Before we can release this species to the public, our biologists must teach the Cowalski to swim.
DEEP SEA ADVENTURE - Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful?
With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
noooo!!" Bernie wailed... "You've just taken away my last hope
for relief!" TOP
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper
Car for Sale,
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
How to Launch a Boat - One of Bayliner's customer-service teams was dispatched to Lake Stevens, Wash. to help a man who was complaining bitterly about the atrocious lack of performance of his new watercraft. The 22-footer was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, regardless of how much power was applied.Once the customer-service people arrived, they determined the problem straight away. Judging from the fact that, below the Bayliner, a license plate was plainly visible under the water's surface. It became apparent the man had forgotten to take his boat off the trailer. Such a minor detail! TOP
BRAVERY AT SEA - Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid...The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.
dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate
ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became
silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
THE PIRATE - A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The landlubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The landlubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg? "The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time? "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."Finally, the landlubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? "The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye. "The landlubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye? "The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!" TOP
NO ROOM AT THE INN - By
the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just
a bed, I don't care where."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured
him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to
breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
...and he sat up all night watching me." TOP
A sailor walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink and is
A very attractive lady walks in and sits down at the bar three stools
Sailor sneaks a couple of looks at the lady.
IF NOAH LIVED IN CANADA TODAY...And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one-year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Dear Lord, please forgive me!" Noah cried. "I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes, so I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a fight with the Ministry of the Environment over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. I installed a Halon system but CPS members flooded me with warnings about its effect on the environment"
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard. So, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Ministry of Parks and Recreation that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch the owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw and a hammer. Now I have sixteen carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by two animal rights groups. They objected to my only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe."
"Then, the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe..."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard."
"Revenue Canada has seized my assets, claiming that I am building an Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got notice from the Province that I owe some kind of user tax and that I failed to register the Ark as a recreational vehicle."
"Transport Canada refused to grant a construction standards plate saying that it was now incorporated into the capacity plate."
"The Canadian Coast Guard refused to issue a Canadian Capacity Plate until I calculated something called "register tonnage."
"I tried to fill in the horsepower field on the application, as I knew that there were to be two of each animal, so there would be two horses. However, I was told to convert them to kilowatt-hours and I have no idea as to how many horses there are in a kilowatt."
"And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional."
"Lord, I do not believe I will be able to finish the Ark for at least another five or six years..."
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't
have to. The government already has." TOP
THE CAPTAIN IS SAFE - One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.
They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
'PORT: left, STARBOARD: right.' TOP
How to sail single handedly without buying an auto-tiller.
All you have to do is:
Next lesson: Lowering and stowing sails. TOP
|THE LECTURE - The local
women's health symposium invited a preacher to give a talk. When his wife
asked about the topic, he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been
asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking
"Oh, that's nice," his wife said.
The next day at the grocery store, a young woman who attended the lecture recognized the minister's wife.
"That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He really has a unique perspective on the subject."
Somewhat chagrinned, the minister's wife replied, "Gee, funny you
should think so. I mean, he's only done it twice. The first time he threw
up, and the second time, his hat blew off. TOP
SINK OR SWIM - A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "my position - well I'm
a Marketing Director of a medium sized computer company in the East